I told everyone that I got saved when I was four years old. But I knew that wasn’t true. I just “prayed the prayer” because everyone expected me to. Over the years there had been plenty of times when I wanted to get saved, but I was the “good” girl at church. I was afraid of what people would think if they knew that I hadn’t really gotten saved then. On April 8th of 2015 I decided that I was done faking. an evangelist was preaching at a revival meeting at my church that week. I talked to my pastor, someone went through the gospel with me, and accepted Jesus into my life.
For a few months everything was great. I had a lot of friends, I was really involved with stuff at my church, then I fell into depression, lost all of my friends, my walk with God wasn’t going very well at all, and I started cutting. This continued off and on until I went to a youth conference in October of 2016. I finally surrendered everything to God. Or at least I thought I did. Again, everything was absolutely amazing for a few months. Then in February/March of 2017, my parents split and I just broke. I fell into depression and lost most of my friends again, I was suicidal, and I started cutting again.
I only had two close friends. And they were amazing. My best friends helped me through everything. When I started opening up to them more, they realized that I was very stubborn. And that stubbornness was getting me in trouble with God. I mean, when it came to something hard my first reaction would’ve been to give in, because fighting it was hard. But when it came to surrendering everything that had been happening to God, I’d do everything I could to fight it. I HATED not having control of things. But that was getting me in trouble, cause yeah, I’m human and I’m pretty stupid. But God just kept breaking me. He had to break me down to the point where I felt like nothing. When that happened, I finally decided that I was done fighting God. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. I surrendered every single thing to God.
As much as I used to hate not having control, it feels so much more amazing to know that the Almighty God, the Creator of the entire universe is in full control of my life. Now I know without a doubt in my mind, that no matter what happens, I don’t need to worry, and that God has a perfect plan, even if it doesn’t seem so perfect at the time. And if you asked me, I’d still tell you that this was the worst year of my life. But you know what else? It has been the absolute best year of my life. So much bad has happened, but my walk with God is so much stronger than it’s ever been, I’ve learned to be more confident in myself, and that people, and the things I’ve been going through don’t define me, I’ve made some more amazing friends that have helped me along the way, I’ve been able to help people, and I know that with everything I’ve been through, it’ll be easier for me to help other people.
I know that there will be days that are harder than others and I’ll wanna give up, but I know now without a doubt in my mind that it’ll be worth it. If I could change anything that happened, as much as it hurt, I wouldn’t change one thing.